[Dallas, Sept. 14] — In what witnesses are calling both “brave” and “deeply depressing,” a local man reportedly attended a Friday night showing of a popular film entirely by himself, cementing his reign as the region’s most accomplished social outcast.
The man, who will remain unnamed to spare his family further embarrassment, was spotted purchasing a single ticket at approximately 7:42 p.m. Sources confirm he did not hesitate when the cashier asked “just one?” — though onlookers noted a faint flicker of pain behind his eyes.
“Honestly, I respect the commitment,” said one bystander. “But also… bro, it’s a Marvel movie. Not exactly something you need to endure alone like a monk on a spiritual retreat.”
Reports indicate the man bought a large popcorn and soda, which psychologists suggest was an unconscious attempt to mimic the experience of having friends to share with. Theater employees later confirmed both items were consumed entirely by him, an act experts are calling “textbook loneliness carbo-loading.”
After the film concluded, the man exited the theater without speaking to anyone, save for a brief nod to the janitor — who, sources claim, looked at him with “the same pity you’d reserve for a raccoon eating from a dumpster.”
Sociologists say this event highlights a growing trend of individuals engaging in “solo movie-going,” an activity once considered bold but increasingly recognized as a desperate cry for help.
At press time, the man was reportedly considering attending a concert alone next month, a move that analysts warn could cement his legacy as “the LeBron James of not having friends.”
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